The youth pastor at my church just called me and said that he thinks it would be best if I stepped down as youth group leader/bible study leader for the high school ladies at my church. He says my actions aren’t appropriate for that of a leader and he believes I will be of better service somewhere else.
I was really furious when he was saying this to me. After everything that happened to me (and to the people I care deeply for), it’s no wonder that I’m in a different place spiritually. I don’t know what I believe anymore. It’s a struggle for me to believe that a loving god would cause such horrific things in someone’s life. I don’t know what good comes from being brutally raped. I don’t understand what good comes from losing loved one’s. I don’t understand where the lesson is in all of that. I have searched high and low for years and have come out unsuccessful each time.
I’m surprisingly relieved about this. I know I’m not an “appropriate” role model for this particular group of kids and I wouldn’t ever pretend to be. I know that there probably is someone who fits the position better than me. I don’t have to feel guilty about being a crummy leader anymore. I don’t have to follow guidelines for my actions. I can literally do what I need to do to survive without questioning if the church will agree. Most often they don’t.
I have said before that I think someone else would work better, but they refused to let me off the hook that easy. They pushed and pushed and pushed for it to work out for me, which I’m thankful for the opportunity, but I’m also thankful to just be done with it. Because I don’t know what I believe right now.
Also, I would appreciate it if you could refrain from the “everything happens for a reason. God gave you this life because He knew you could handle it” speech. I don’t believe that anymore. Until you’ve gone through the hell that I have, you don’t get a say it was is fair and just. Because nothing that has happened to me is fair and just.